Rice has a paddy

Really this report should’ve had some sort of theme established in the headline along the lines of ‘How to lose your starting place, your contract, and alienate fans and colleagues alike in 3 easy steps’. But there’re two problems with that. One is that it’s a right mouthful and therefore a crap headline. And the second is that it would deny me the chance to publish that shocking pun.

It has emerged that Exeter ‘keeper Martin Rice may have played his last game for the club after being conspicuously absent from their starting line-up for the Conference play-off final at Wembley on Sunday. Absent from the pitch that is. If you were lucky enough to be sat among the depressed Grecians fans watching their team blow the chance of an overdue return to league football, you might have spotted someone sat nearby dressed in shorts, ‘keeper shirt and fat white gloves while boozing it up, bellowing abuse at opposition fans, and generally acting a complete prick.

Rice was already courting controversy after allegedly fighting with one of those dirty scroungers on the footballing community: a sponsor. He gave a hearty slap to an unsuspecting fan who had, outrageously, donated money to the cause for next to nothing in return. A punch for your stupidity sir, from Ricey’s Glove of Justice!

Next up was a hissy fit that wouldn’t have looked out of place among those fine upstanding ‘entertainers’ in the top flight that TMN so longs to write about, as he turned down a new contract and promptly quit the club. Thanks for nothing, Exeter, Ricey don’t need you. Or something like that. It was then, knowledgeable Exetonians agree, that cravat-sporting manager Tidsdale began to mull over the idea of not playing the Rice-ster.

Then came the crowning glory. A demonstration of his understanding of the plight of the supporters – his comrades in adversity – as he boozed and brawled and shamed himself on Sunday while all his team mates could do was…uh…play full part in a cracking match on England’s greatest stage. Right.

Perhaps we should leave the last comment to the eloquent Mr Rice himself. This is, I am reliably (ha!) informed, an explanation for his absence from the Wembley team taken directly from his Myspace site:

“the real reason why im not goin is because hes dropped me because he thinks i havent played well in the last three games.but the blokes an absolute W*NKER im no longer anythin to do with ECFC but ill support the boys tomo.im gonna be there for the players F*CK THE BOARD AN THE MANAGEMENT they deserve f*ck all its all the players hard work.TISDALE should f*ck off back to uni the C*NT,an stop suckin perrymans c*ck.ill just let all EXETER CITY FANS KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU ALL THANKS FOR THIS SEASON YOUR THE BEST FANS IN ENGLISH FOOTBALL.you deserve league football.see you all tomo love ya loads RICEY NUMBER 1.UP THE CITY.”

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