Features
TMN wakes up 3 months later in…America?
Well, it happened again. Newly unemployed, the TMN ranchers slipped gently into a painless tinny-induced slumber and, drooling from the corner of the mouth like an overgrown and underwashed baby on meth, contemplated a life firmly outside the fast line. On the hard shoulder, perhaps. That was three months ago.
But we’re back! The last 90 days are a blur of angry men and bottoms of pints and running away from scenes that we had begun but had no intention of finishing. Sir Digby Chicken Caesar has been elevated into the TMN hall of heroes. And we may have made some ill-advised overtures to foreign dandies, because when we finally came to this postcard from America was on the desk.
Fantasy football at the Emirates
‘Know thine enemy’, Chinese philosopher Sun Tzu advised 2500 years ago. ‘Absolutely’, TMN pondered, ‘especially if the ticket to the Emirates is free and you can dredge a bilious article out of it.’ So, despite this being a website dedicated to football’s nether regions, off we tottered to the dark heart of the Premiership experience…
TMN trumps Setanta with exclusive Danny Potter interview
That Magical Night caught up with Cambridge United goalkeeper (and all round good egg) Danny Potter, straight after the U’s 2-1 win over Oxford last Thursday night.
Rose-tinted toe nails, lucky eggs and soiled undies
TMN lets rip with another guest column, this time from resident star-gazer John Rippon. The return of Football What Matters has ushered in a superstition-inspired nationwide hunt for tattered old scarves, lucky tea mugs and treasured programmes, so JR takes a quick survey of our nation’s obsession with the trinkets and rituals we use in a desperate attempt to swing the tiny margins of fate in our favour. He also talks about dirty pants.
TMN goes to Crawley and RIPS THE LID OFF OF IT!
over two years after the controversial Azwar Majeed took over at Crawley Town and allegedly caused all sorts of trials and tribulations at the Sussex club, TMN this weekend donned its Investigative Fedora and headed south to RIP THE LID OFF OF IT!
Commercial wolves take football to the slaughter
News of yet another elaborate non-league sponsorship deal gets TMN’s resident Premiership fan bemoaning the commercialism of football at every level – and a glance at the United States and Japan provides a chilling vision of things to come: the Tokyo Yakult Swallows are not a joke – they are a probiotic way of life…
Getting friendly
Bah humbug to the new season - we’ve already had a glorious summer of football. TMN reviews the pre-season games that mattered – and says there’s no such thing as a friendly.
Absurdity in nether regions taken too far
TMN went undercover at John Terry’s wedding last month (really, we did) to discover, among many other shocking revelations, that Peter Kenyon can’t dance and Frank Lampard likes to score in threes…
King Kevin’s dream job and a beheading for football’s money men?
My Football Club is a scheme from the clearly disturbed mind of Will Brook. 50,000 people pay £35 each, you pool the money, you buy a club, you run it in the spirit of true democracy. Chaos will reign, surely! TMN’s resident scatter-brained Premiership fan tries to unravel the inconsistencies and pitfalls at the heart of this crazy project, and then will probably forget what he was writing about and change his mind at the end.
Oxford United: a medium-sized fish in a medium-sized pond
Guest columnist and freedom fighter Alex Perry teaches Oxford United fans a lesson in humility. And TMN’s resident scribes a lesson in journalism. From its window, TMN can see erstwhile contributor Namesy flogging a Perry fan with one of the many “Sign Him Up” placards scattered outside.
Borg’s angry management strategies
TMN reports on George Borg’s latest spat and ponders whether a filthy temper, far from being a hindrance, is actually an essential character trait for all non league managers.
TMN reports on George Borg’s latest spat and ponders whether a filthy temper, far from being a hindrance, is actually an essential character trait for all non league managers.
Greek tragedy ends in justice of a sort
Two of the most corrupt and cynical characters to have waddled around the lower leagues have seen punishment meted out for their roles in nearly forcing Exeter City out of existence. TMN looks back at the John Russell and Mike Lewis inspired farce that engulfed the Grecians in 2002/03, and which has only just been resolved.
Yeovil release Lindy and face the music?
There was no love in London-town for the Somerset crew as Robbie Williams, Blackpool’s glitteringly-monikered left back, bent one past a dodgily-footed Steve Mildenhall in last weekend’s League One play-off final. TMN looks back at the post-match comedown, and asks whether Yeovil may have been a tad premature in releasing stalwart Andy Lindegaard in the wake of their defeat.
If it bleeds we can kill it then eat it with Relish!
Bath City’s Chris ‘Dutch’ Holland has perpetrated an act of heinous loyalty that has left the Other Side shocked and, frankly, almost moved to tears. Lessons to be learned for all there, not least Shaun Wright Philips, via the shining light of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Um…what?
Kidnap, murder, or simply missing persons? Trust no one!
Brading Town duo Danny Hatcher and David Greening are wanted men, but no-one can find them. An irrational and paranoid TMN begins to freak out at stories of kidnap, conspiracy, and roaming mercenaries from Gosport. Maybe time to lay off the tins…and the rest.
Rovers rule while Salop surrender, savvy?
Bristol’s other Big Club made it two in two promotion bids this season for a city which constantly claims to be harbouring at least one sleeping giant but, let’s face it, has never come remotely close to bearing this assertion out. TMN asks whether Rovers should, after the celebrations, take stock before preaching about potential.
Making a Meale of things at Mansfield. Again
TMN risks law suits and its reputation (ha!) to take a look at Labour MP and Stags Community Trust chairman Alan Meale’s recent attempt to sue two Mansfield fans for allegedly libelling him online. His suit was perhaps not the best way to win back trust and favour with the local community, something that has been consistently ebbing away for some time.
Another ‘magical’ final
TMN salutes Wednesday’s Anglo-Italian classic, and even Our Lord Clive gets a mention. Ho ho.
Lat there be love
Is Sunday’s League One play-off final between Yeovil and Blackpool a clash of two inapposite cultural monoliths? Not at all – Wembley’s caterers have been taking orders for blinis and beetroot soup all week, for this is English football’s very own Latvian derby.
Just the other side of nowhere
A day in the life of a fan of one the Big Boys, TMN-style… CLICK!!
The Good Old Days when a pyramid was a pyramid, godsdammit
“The myth of the league pyramid is a mite more comforting than the grim stark reality. This so called ‘structure’, a heady cocktail of chaos theory and plain madness, has left this particular armchair fan with a smarting headache that’s frankly made me grouchy…”
Heroes’ return?
“Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” There has rarely been a more inappropriate opening to a manager-goes-back-to-old-club story, so let’s crack on…
Read it here…
Who says club owners don’t care?
In today’s world of self-interested, fan-loathing, player-baiting, club-screwing assholes, Torquay chairman Mike Bateson stands out as a shining light of honesty, valour and humility. At least, that’s what Mike Bateson thinks.
Our regular take on lower league football from the perspective of a Premiershite fan. Click here!
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