Postcard from the USA

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The Torquay Yellows (7-1-2) grabbed an overtime winner against Histon Dynamo (4-2-4) when defenseman Chris Todd stole into the eighteen to kick the ball into the upper ninety. “It’s a relief to go back to Plainmoor Arena with all the points,” said Todd, who had given away two PKs for Histon to tie things up at 4-4. “It was a crazy soccer game. Both offenses were sharp and I don’t think this even happens in a scrimmage in your neighborhood.”

The New York Times dips its pen into the world of English Non-League football. If only.

With TMN pledging to cover only the nether-regions of football, it seems fitting that an article should be written in the USA. After all, this is a country that rates the beautiful game behind gridiron, baseball, basketball, ice hockey, tennis, golf, lacrosse, motor racing… hang on, I’m trying to find soccer on this list… Oh here it is, just below Major League Eating.

As I type, ESPN are screening a live hot dog eating competition where 32,000 people had showed up to see local hero Joey Chestnut dethrone Takeru Kobayashi.

Having just finished my eleventh week of coaching soccer here on the East Coast, it is very clear that it is going to take more than Mr. Beckham playing in the MLS to prise the kids away from their beloved baseball bats. Wait a second… Thirty-two thousand people? For a hot dog eating contest?

Let’s put that in perspective. Some statto-esque research and a bit of a calculator-eroding number crunching reveals that since the turn of the century, the average attendance in the English Premier League is 34,460. The average attendance at a Major League Soccer game isn’t much more than a League One game in England. And this is taking into consideration that Beckham-mania has boosted ticket sales Stateside.

So why isn’t our exalted sport especially popular in such a grand nation? “Soccer isn’t popular because they simply aren’t very good at it,” claims the coach of the wonderfully monikered Phoenixville Chaos, confirming the belief of every non-US citizen around the world.

While tailgating at the Giants Stadium prior to the New York Red Bulls game against the LA Beckhams – sorry, LA Galaxy – I had the chance to converse with many American soccer fans. Even here though, I’m amazed by how little they know about the sport. The mere mention of Gerrard or Messi leaves me talking to blank faces, yet on a global scale these players are as big as Billy Bonds, Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan.

The American equivalent of the Football Association – who have had an abundance of identifications over the years – have pulled out all the stops to popularise the sport in their country. In the seventies, they convinced the ageing talent of Pelé, Beckenbauer and Cruyff to cross the Atlantic and only cave-dwellers would be unaware of Beckham’s recent switch from Madrid to Hollywood.

British entrepreneurs, such as my current employers, have seen a gap in the market and soccer camps have been springing up all over the country. However, once you get to 18 you either play at college or you play professionally. Sunday League soccer is very rare and people outside high school rely on pick-up games at their local park to get their fix, and even that isn’t how we know it at home. During one such game last week, I found my self being given a stern talking-to by the referee for a slide tackle. I won the ball fairly and made little, if no, contact with the opponent. Miffed, I went into my second slide tackle. Again, a perfectly fair challenge is pulled up by the man in black. This time I go in the book. I ask him to explain his actions and he tells me that there is a zero-tolerance policy in place for “challenges that may injure an opponent”. So there you go, a fifteen dollar fine for me and I have to dress head-to-toe in protective armour if I want to play a contact sport. The mind boggles.

There are flaws in the professional game here too. The Eastern-Central-Western Conference division of MLS and the lack of relegation and promotion between Major League and Minor League certainly “Americanizes” procedures and makes it unfamiliar to a world looking in curiously.

I think it’s time for me to come home and start following football properly again. Expedia is telling me I can get a one-way ticket for £125. Result. For that price I’d fly with Al-Qaeda.

Maybe I’ll come back to the States someday, but not until they’ve sorted out their version of our beloved game.

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